neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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