Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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