i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
