Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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