I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
