i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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