I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
