My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
