What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
school has made you so classy.
that's mcgill. producing sluts since 1884.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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