The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
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I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
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I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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