He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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