He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
