I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
