I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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