Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
