guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
