There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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