i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Randomize
