.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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