so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
