Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
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