y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i just had sex bonerless
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
