The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Couch. On fire.
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