I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
