Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
