so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
