and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
