I wish my penis had an off switch
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
