I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
