I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
