dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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