Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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