I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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