My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
