i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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