I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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