Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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