Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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