would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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