Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
