if i can run in heels then i can drive
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
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