I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
