Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Randomize
