hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
