I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
