My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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