Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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