mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
