he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
