so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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