he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
