Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
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