just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
