did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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