got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
