So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
