Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
