I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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