I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
