I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
