I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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